Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Up All Night

It's 4:30am.  I have been up since 2am when I started having contractions in my back again.  I knew if I didn't get up and compel her to move I would have them the rest of the night.  They stopped once I got up.  I came downstairs to get a snack.  I ended up finishing off the cornbread with another bowl of beans.  Not sure what I did differently the beans this time around but they were really good.  

I was joking through my facebook page the other day that the middle of the night might have more meaning if I actually had something to do.  HA!!!  I mean, I don't necessarily have a problem being up.  Often times if I am sleepless I will spend time praying.  Tonight I watched a movie that Underdog asked me to watch online.  But I find more meaning behind these middle of the night wake ups if there is someone to be with.  Not that I want my 3 yod who often has the longest run on sentences in the world to be up talking to me.  As much as I love the little guy, I need a break from him and he needs sleep.  That is true for all my precious blessings.  I also know that if they are up in the middle of the night, then tomorrow is going to be a LONG day.  No, the someone that I would love to spend my middle of the night with is a newborn.  

I remember when I was pregnant with my first.  I would be up at night enjoying a huge glass of milk (can't do that anymore though. . .dairy, especially processed milk makes me sick) in the glow of the street lamp in our apartment complex.  I would imagine being up in the middle of the night feeding my little one.  It would be quiet and peaceful.  I would listen to her quiet sucking.  I would cradle her.  Some things never change.  Although my midnight snack of choice has changed, I still sit here and wonder about my newest little girl.  What will she look like?  When I go back through baby pictures the resemblance between certain siblings is very obvious.  Who will she come out looking like?  Will she have a head full of brown soft downy hair like everyone else?  What will she weigh (a fun thought on the minds of all in this household as some vie to be the heaviest baby at 10.3lb while others fight to keep their status as smallest baby with the largest head)?  Will she nurse well?  When in the world will she join us?  

The waiting gets old but it's just part of life.  It's hard to convince yourself of that when you're exhausted being up all night for no reason.  For some reason, when I am up with babies and there is a reason to be up, I don't have many issues the next day.  But these nights right at the end of a pregnancy kill me.  I am so thankful for a husband who recognizes this and allows me leeway where his job allows to sleep in or nap.  I am very thankful for the thoughtfulness of my children who have been patient with my sleeping in and disrupting the schedule.  I am thankful for the grace God gives me.  Not only does He help me through my day but He's so patient with me when I have a bad attitude about waiting.  Despite the fact that I still have 2 weeks left (literally, I am 38 weeks today) my first two where born at 36 & 37 weeks.  I have forever struggled with going past those weeks and seriously wanting to have my babies early.  I am tired, big, uncomfortable.  But God is merciful to me.  He gives me strength for my day.  He is my rock.  

This is my favorite verse:  

You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. 
Isaiah 26:3-4

My biggest goal right now is to keep my eyes of Him.  If I don't I will go insane with the waiting.  That is probably more true when I have these nights of contractions that appear to be doing nothing.  I know they are doing something. . .they just aren't producing a baby.  But I won't be pregnant forever.  They do have to come out at some point.  HA!!!  And I eagerly wait her arrival so that my middle of the night takes on more meaning than just getting a midnight snack and blogging.  Although I do pray during these times, my prayers become more intense as I watch the little life in my arms taking in nourishment.  She has a heart that is hostile to God even now.  I must intercede on her behalf and ask God to save her.  When I pray this for one child, it simply increases my prayer for another.  I know my prayers now make a difference.  They just change when you're actually holding another life in your arms that is completely dependent upon you.  

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