Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Blogging as a Journal

I can't remember what blog I was on where I read that the owners purpose for blogging started simply as a means of keeping a journal.  I thought that was a rather brilliant idea.  Duh!!!

I have a tendency to be a people pleaser.  I come by it naturally as I watched (still watch) my mom attempt to be a people pleaser as well.  I don't think I am as bad as she is though.  In her mind, the choices that I have made in life are terribly rebellious.  I am still trying to figure out how getting married, having a family (albeit a little larger than average), and homeschooling (still school just not traditional) is rebellious against her.  I am learning to love my mom despite our differences.  It's a sin I am praying God will walk me through so that I can just at peace with her and accept that she doesn't accept me as I am.

So back to the people pleaser thing.  When I was growing up I dreamed of being part of the popular crowd.  I don't know if other high schools were like mine but there was, of course, the cast system.  There were the popular cheerleaders and football players. There were other groups as well.  Girl athletes, band members, drama team, loser, FFA people (they had a name but I can't remember off the top of my head.)  Then you had the vast majority of us in the lonely group of nobody.  That was me.  But, like many teens, I would see teen movies and teen shows and long to be like Brenda Walsh, Donna Martin, and Kelly Taylors of "Beverly Hills 902010".  I never watched that show much but I knew of the characters and I wanted to be like them.  

Popularity at school was really never an option.  I was a good church girl and I had standards.  I didn't realize at the time that that was a deterrent to any popularity I might have.  I loved going to church though.  Singing in the choir and hanging out with my friends.  There was, of course, a cast system in my youth group.  Looking back, it was BAD.  And my youth leaders pushed it (probably without even realizing it.)  There wasn't any outright rejection of kids but it was obvious to me and my best friend that some of the youth leaders favored some kids over others.

At one point, I found myself as part of the crowd that was worthy of acceptance.  I was hanging out with the fun and popular people at church.  I am not sure whatever happened but I found out one day that this group of friends had been doing things without me.  Once I confronted some of them about it, that was it.  I was NOTHING.  They stopped talking to me all together and rumors started flying.  I think the pain that of rejection still lingers in my heart to this day.  There is nothing worse than being rejected. . .except not knowing WHY you've been rejected.  This experience has informed alot of my views of youth groups as well.  It's certainly not the driving force but it is the catalyst that set me off to considering their value for kids in general.

So what does all this have to do with being a people pleaser?  Well, I have simply never outgrown my desire to be popular.  I don't know what it is but I just really want to be known and loved by everybody.  God continues to tell me NO but I keep pursuing it.  And I think that is where my blog has gone wrong.  I was blogging to the possibility of people being impressed with what I wrote.  I wanted them to be WOWWED by ME.  Oh how simply self-centered I am.  Nothing I do should ever be about me.  It should all be to bring God utmost glory.

So here, today, I find myself making attempts to walk away from my desire to be well known and popular.  It's time to lay down my life for others.  It's time to simply live and allow God to use me where He needs me.  It's time to leave behind the juvenile desires for popularity and grow up.  I don't want to be a man pleaser.  I want to be a God pleaser.  It is not my desire to be like this world.

So that is journal entry #1.  My heart craves to know Jesus more and more.  Where to begin?  I am not sure. But today I scaled back my goolge reader to just a few blogs.  My FB time has decreased significantly.  I am really only posting links and a few comments here and there.  I find nothing to be fulfilling anymore.  So I am going to turn to the only source of fulfillment I know to go to. . .Jesus, my Savior.  Baby steps.

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