Changes

I am a person that loves the seasonal changes that come around every few months (unless you live in TX like I do and we only have two seasons - hot and hotter.)   My favorite season is fall but I think that is honestly because we begin to experience a repreive from the hot summer months.  With each season comes the change in clothing, diet in some cases, temperatures outside, and sports (OK, I'm a closet football fan.) 

The season of life that I am in right now isn't so fun though.  It's bringing many changes that I did not expect to be so hard.  The first season is the move away from being maternal, as in having babies.  Until the past few years, I can't remember a time when I wasn't pregnant or nursing a baby.  I love both of these aspects of motherhood.  We are currently in transition to having a diaper free home.  Talk about a weird feeling.  I just bought a box of diapers right before she announced she wanted to "potty twain" so it's sitting in there unused.  Sometimes I miss diaper changes.  It was my time to tickle and have fun with my littles uninterrupted (no one else wanted to change the diaper.) 

There are changes taking place in our church home that are a little unnerving.  We're making great stride to move to a new building next fall.  It seems that the requirement to get there is to take a spiritual beating from all angles.  Between former disgruntled members trying to create problems to internal families deeply hurt to underlying problems in the the ways things are run in the overarching governing body of our sister churches, we're having issues.  These changes don't seem as simple as some of the others do.  There is no known end in sight.  Depending on what decisions are made in the future, we could be looking at significant family changes in the future.  It's something I am really having to give to the Lord because I don't like the thought of it. 

The other season in life is my body.  I am about to turn 39 and thus there are bodily functions that are in full rebellion.  For one thing, I have a middle section showing up that I don't normally have.  That is really bothering me.  Other parts of my body are in full rebellion as well.  This is something that I thought would either never show up or would at least wait until I was much older.  Arthritis.  Still waiting to talk to the doctor about whether this is rheumatoid arthritis but there is definitely a full blown riot taking place in my joints.  Some of them are a consistent pain.  Others of them will join in the fight and then drop out only to join again at a later date.  Honestly, I am fighting worry in all this.  I am mostly afraid of losing my hands. 

Then there are just changes that are necessary for the whole family.  They are hard for me for though.  My health hasn't been in tip top shape for a few years now.  I think it started with the bedrest I had to go with my last baby.  That lasted for over 2 months.  There wasn't much I could do about diet at that point.  We were pretty much taking anything that people would bring us.  We were grateful for the help.  I begain to observe that I wasn't struggling too much with health issues like allergies and asthma.  A few months later came the blood test we did for Josiah's eczema and that started a whirlwind of weird and very limiting food.  None of it helped.  Last summer the eczema went away completely.  Praise the Lord!!!  FREEDOM.  I was done.  No more strange diet.  As long as we were having a salad with every meal (yeah right) I was good with the rest of it.  That hasn't served me well.  I knew in my heart of hearts that I wasn't doing the right thing.  But I was so tired of having to care so much that I just pretty much ignored the caution and went my own way. 

I can't do it anymore.  I am tired of fighting to stay healthy with the same old not so good diet.  I think I am ready for a change.  I have been researching the GAPS (Gut and Psychology Diet) for quite a while now.  I am an all or nothing kind of person so after reading the book and realizing that I would never be able to do this, I ignored it.  Over time the Lord has worked in my heart to realize that I don't have to be all or nothing.  I am a work in progress therefore there is room to mess things up and take babysteps.  I must start somewhere.  I guess the time is now.  I am researching ways to turn around auto-immune diseases (assuming the RA is indeed the diagnosis) and this is one area that keeps coming up. 

I have a long road ahead.  I don't know that I will ever hit full on GAPS.  It's hard with a large family.  One of these days though, I will, at the very least, be very good at the traditional diet.  I am already in the habit of feeding my sourdough starter that sits on top of my fridge.  I've got 4 jars of fermented sauerkraut in my fridge as well.  I am making sourdough crackers for snack and sourdough tortillas for dinner tomorrow night.  I am making strides.  Some day. 

I am kind of weird in the ways I like changes.  I love what I can predict.  Seasonal weather changes?  I am pretty good at prediciting how those will go (although the snow this year has been a very nice change.)  The mothering changes aren't so bad as I am considering the diaper free day.  The rest of it is out of my control.  I don't handle those so well.  God knows that I can't and is always finding ways to work a greater trust in His sovereignty into my heart.  I do believe I am growing in it.  It's getting easier to place the unknown in His hands and be at peace.  But I have a LONG way to go.  Makes me thankful for His loving care of me in that way.  He loves me and wants me to be like His Son.  That is the kind of change I really can handle.  I want to be more like my Savior.  If it takes out of my control changes to get me there, so be it.