Sunday, March 15, 2009

On My Heart

There is no much on my heart this morning. For one thing I am wrestling with some sin toward my husband right now. I won't go into detail to protect the innocent. HA!!! And we've had an opportunity to talk about it. Both of us were wrong the way we handle the situation this morning. Praise God for the grace that covers of both even the midst of our selfishness (especially mine.)

Modesty is heavy on my heart right now. I see a growing trend on the web toward dressing modestly and I think this is great. But I am also seeing a tremendous amount of emphasis placed on fashion. The idea is to dress modestly but fashionably. Nothing wrong with that, I guess. I don't pesonally get it. Why the focus? While I don't want to be one that dresses frumpy in my modesty I also don't want to look like the world in what I wear? Is that possible when we're so focused on fashion though? In fact, there are some things that many people consider modest that I won't put in that category.

I personally don't want my girls spending so much time focused on the fashion of their clothes that they don't focus on the heart. I always tell my girls that if they are spending more time in front of the mirror than they are in front of the Word of God (God's mirror that will reflect His image back on us) then their priorities are off.

I don't know. I don't want to be critical. I do appreciate that more women are beginning to focus on modesty. There is hope yet that modern women in the future won't be walking around in bikinis to work. (LOL!!! Just the image is funny.) But I must admit it's just not something I won't place too much emphasis on with my girls. I love to watch the Duggar family shows on TLC because I love how modest and practical their girls look. Honestly, they look like I might look on a regular day except they wear jean skirts and I wear jeans but all with a nice shirt. And maybe that is what makes me different. I just don't like fashion. I never really have. When I moved to Dallas in 5th grade it was the first time I realized that girls my age ever really cared about it. I got a quick lesson in caring about fashion but I never seemed to catch on. I was ugly, pimply, had bad hair, and I never seemed to be able to buy the right clothes. My tastes were just off based on what the fashion industry called fashionable. Unfortunately I never outgrew that desire to fit in. I still live in the part of Dallas that is rich and runs after empty treasures such as beauty and fashion. And I still struggle with wanting to fit in. I am starting to figure out that I was never intended to fit in because God didn't design me that way.

Recently I have been challenge with my wardrobe. Is is truly as modest as God would like it to be? There isn't anything in scripture that speaks specifically to what we should wear. Some would argue that Deuteronomy 22:5 says that women should not wear what pertains to a man. But jeans and pants have been accepting in our society as OK for women to wear. Afterall, the fashion designers have made the jeans to fit the women's figure and put them in the women's department. Right? That is the very thing I have been challenged with. Is my standard the fashion industry or is it God? For me it's more this idea that I believe the Lord is looking at. He's looking at my ugly heart that desperately wants to be accepted by other people and will often determine what she's going to wear based on the opinions of other people. I hate to stick out like a sore thumb and I have often found myself resentful of the idea that God would ask me to give up the comfort of my pants because I am GOING to stick out if I wear skirts all the time. Why? Because jeans are something everybody else is wearing. There is nothing I love more than putting on a pretty dress or skirt though. I feel so feminine wearing them. But I have such an intense fear of man that I don't wear them. That is the challenge here. Do I trust God enough to obey what I believe He's calling (only) me to or do I trust in the opinion of man more? I am placing the opinion of man above the opinion of God in more areas than I care to talk about here. But I love pretty things. I am beginning to understand that when I become more concerned with opinions of others I deny my Creator who made me feminine.

Truthfully, my clothing is only a small part of this revelation for me. There are so many times in my life when I make decision based on what others will think of me. From homeschooling in a certain style that definitely wasn't my personality to eating some things because everyone else is doing it (whick always leads to me being sick in some form or fashion because of allergies or other problems my body has with food.) It seems silly but I believe this is exactly what God meant when He inspired Solomon to write the following proverb:

Fear of man will prove to be a snare but those who trust in the Lord will be kept safe.
Proverbs 29:25

I feel so trapped in this sin. But I am finding a great deal of peace as I take baby steps to deny what others might think of me and ask God what would most glorify Him. I want to be free of the need to impress people and follow the herd mentality. I really just want to learn to obey God despite how it might make me look.

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