This is the first time since my bedrest started that I have simply felt just tired of life. I was ready to embrace whatever God brought our way and allow Him to teach us and work in and through us. Now I am just weary of it all. I have been worried about us getting sick again. I suppose worry was my first sin. I wasn't even worried about anything specific, although the swine flu was at the top of my list if I was going pick anything. I am not usually one that falls for the media coverage and hype. I am not so certain this flu is really much more serious than the regular flu. The difference is that no one has immunity against it so everyone is getting it. The higher number of deaths, I think, is related to the fact that our immunity, as a whole, doesn't work. We don't fill our bodies with good, life giving food. Instead, most of our diet consists of sugar, bad carbs that have no nutrients, and proteins that are so overrun with chemicals that we can't process them out of our bodies. I have to admit, our diet right now hasn't been much better. With me being down, I can't monitor what is going on downstairs. I am trying to give them easy meals to cook but somehow the life giving food is absent. It's not because my family doesn't like veggies and fruit. Even my 2 yod will eat a salad. It's just not easy. They take the easy route and I am making it easy for them to do that.
I think my greatest frustration with this is that there is no money. Since I tend to use more natural means to ight disease, this is what I prefer to do. But there isn't any money to get the things that I need. In the past, when there wasn't money I would simply turn to my pediatrician for help and ideas. That is what happened with the pertussis when we finally went in for an antibiotic to fight the bacteria because I couldn't keep up with the natural means on bedrest. Even if I wanted to get something for all this I couldn't. We found out Monday that our doctor is out of network for the particular branch of insurance that we have. They won't pay anything for out of network doctors. So, because my pediatrician's office staff wasn't paying attention to the specifics of our insurance we now owe her money for the past several times we've gone into see her with various issues. . .only one of which was actually a sick visit. There was a well child exam in there, a broken finger follow up (twice), and then the visit for the antibiotics. This on top of money we are now having to pay out for the broken finger that ended up with the specialist. I am feeling a bit stressed and struggling to trust the Father. There is NO money coming in right now. Our savings is quickly getting lower and lower. I am not normally one to worry about money. I don't think I am. I am just wandering how long the Lord is going to make us wait.
I trust the Father. But I am weary. I keep think about the verses in Matthew 11 "Come to me all who are weary and heavyladen and I will give you rest." I am working to keep my mind set on Him for He promises "perfect peace" when I do that. I believe He will do as He promises.
Just a side note: My one daugther that indicated that she was dying this morning is not dying. LOL!!! She's had enough energy to set herself up with a nice bed on the loveseat in my room. She was able to get herself a cup of rice milk (no dairy when you sick. It just creates lots more flem than you need.) She was able to get books to read and walked downstairs to get a laundry basket so she would have a side table for her drink. I would venture to say that now that she's out of bed, there isn't much of a fever either. hehehe!!! I am glad she's not dying. Maybe there is hope that all we're dealing with is a simple virus completely unrelated to the flu going around. There is time to fight this, boost immunity in the process, and perhaps avoid a make flu outbreak in our house. If it is the flu, then I am thoroughly grateful that it's not as serious as the goverment and everyone else has made it out to be. And now we'll all build up natural immunity to it. I will have immunity to give my baby next year through my milk as well. There is always hope in every situation. The greatest hope is our risen Savior though. I keep having to remind myself that even in death and sickness, we have that hope.