The first several weeks of a newborns life are simply chaotic for everyone involved. For one thing you are trying to learn the personality of whole new human being who doesn't even understand how the world around her works. She's hungry. She cries. She's sleepy. She cries. She needs a diaper change. She cries. She wants momma and nothing but momma. . .she screams. That is pretty much life as we know it right now.
Leeli is not the easiest of babies. She's just not really content with anything right now. My diet is causing issues for her. If it's not hurting her tummy, it's causing gas, or it's breaking her out in some pretty ugly baby acne. I am figuring out a few of the culprits but it's just so trial and error at this point. If she's not sleeping (which is sporadic at best) she's screaming at me.
She's not the only one out of sorts. I am struggling with a very disorganized house. There was only so much time to nest before she arrived. After she got here, though, I realized that it just wasn't enough. The house is cluttered and I just can't rest in it right now. This is for another post though.
Leeli's siblings aren't quite sure what to make of all this either. They desperately want me to be a part of them BUT they are also enjoying some of the freedom that comes with chaotic days. I can tell they are restless though. Pink is testing me at every corner. . .losing most of the time but trying nonetheless. The two boys just seem totally bored with life. The three Bigs seem to be at each others throat alot these day as well as bored. I have never been more ready to start a new school year as I am right now. But we're not ready. There is so much to do before that time. When can I do it. It's not easy with Leeli right now.
I am only 4 weeks past her birth day. I have always believed that it takes 12 weeks to fully adjust to a new baby. I have eight to go. I am learning to give myself grace as well. The time will come in a few months when we will hit our new normal. We won't notice how fussy Leeli is anymore. Pink will be talking more. The boys will be doing school with mom and reading tons. The bigs will have accomplished all we set out to do this summer and then learning new things with our new year and new curriculum. We'll be preparing for fall and winter in many different ways. It will suddenly hit me. . . my baby is no longer the littlest baby anymore. She will be big and have fully become part of our new normal.
I have struggled with feeling fully connected with Leeli. Perhaps that is effecting my mood these days. I trust God to guide me in this time. I trusting Him to teach me about this little girl HE gave. I am trusting Him to guide me with each child He's entrusted to me care. I am resting in this truth.
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:1-2Leeli is peaceful right now. My heart is as well. I love that baby. How could I have ever placed myself in a position to not want a baby? How could I, at one point, have been angry that I was pregnant when I didn't want to be? Am I so foolish that I have yet to learn that God's Sovereign will is best? She's so precious, innocent, and small. I love her despite the fact that I don't know anything about her yet. Even her cries confuse me. But it will come. I am trusting the Father for the wisdom needed to meet her needs and love her as He loves her. I am trusting Him for that with all my children.
Before I sign off, I thought of one last thing. Leeli was crying alot this afternoon and I was so frustrated. I ended up losing my temper with Si-Bay. He had been chewing on something and I asked him to throw it away. He didn't obey me. I am always fearful of choking so when I discovered he didn't obey, I lost it. I was very harsh with him and sent him to his bed. I changed Leeli and put her in her bouncy chair to scream while I cooled off (for both their sake.) I little while later I returned to his room in tears. How could I have hurt my little guy?
I repented of my sin and then tried to help him understand why I didn't want him to chew on things. We talked a little bit about death at this point. I explained to him that he had two pipes, one for food and the other for air. I helped him understand what the air did. We pretended to suck on a straw. I explained to him that if the little toys went down his air pipe that helps him suck on the straw, he would close his eyes and never open them. He sort of got that. Then I told him that mommy would not have her Si-Bay anymore. He would have to be buried like the little bunny that the dog killed last month. This is my little guy that makes me giggle when he prays at dinner "God, thank for this so much day." He's the little one that makes funny faces like his daddy for the camera. I would be lost without my guy and I told him that. We cried a little more together. Then he stopped and said, "Mommy, I'm sorry. I was wrong. I hurt you when I chewed on the car tire and you thought to loosed me. Will you please forgive me?" He got it. For the next 2 hours, he kept coming to me and saying he loved me and gave me a special Si-Bay hug. It was great. It made me think. . .normal isn't so far away after all. We've just got to teach Leeli what normal looks like.