Changes of the Heart

There isn't much meat to the this post. It's most about what is on my heart these days. God is working ways that I never expected and they are hard.

This discovery of this little baby has really throw me for a loop. I have always wanted to trust God with the timing of our children. I waited patiently for years while I prayed that God would either change Underdog's heart or change my heart. I was excited to find us finally on the same page this past winter. I was shocked at the surprise and doubt I had when I got a positive test (or three!!) in the last summer. Of course, I had been praying for months that God would allow some time between babies. I had asked for time to get my body back and get back in shape. I suppose I had convinced myself that God would listen and answer MY prayer and desires. I was also hoping for an opportunity to prove that we are not rabbits. LOL!!! People doubt the idea of allowing God to grow your family. My family is no different. I was hoping for the opportunity to show my family that God is truly in control and doesn't just give children at rapid pace when there is no control on our part. I was disappointed to say the least. But I have been considering deep in my heart recently that if we are going to trust God then this is all in His perfect timing. He is doing 10,000 different things in my life through all this that I simply cannot see. There were lessons in having to tell disappointed family. There were lessons in learning to make God's opinion more important than my family. There were many lessons in learning to trust God WITH the timing and not just trusting my own hand in things.

God is gracious and merciful. The news of #7 was well received by most. There is "nice" rude comments made by people who aren't so wise and don't often think before they speak, but it was nothing that couldn't be dealt with at the time with a gracious manner. I am sure there is LOTS of talking and gossiping behind my back. That's my family way. The nicest thing that happened is that my dad just gave a big grin. He's not vocal about much but I suspect he likes having alot of grandkids. He doesn't often like keeping them at their house just due to the busyness. LOL!!! That doesn't stop him from enjoy them though. For others, it's about appearances and I clearly embarass certain people. I put them in positions to feel they must be defensive and explain my irresponsible or weird, non-comformist actions. It's a sad position to be and often hurtful (which seems to be the goal for these certain people.) Very likely, Underdog and I are done with our family. We are grateful for this baby and growing more excited everyday. But we're also tired. We're ready to move on to the next stage of our lives. We've followed God this far and believe He's taking us a different direction now.

Speaking of a different direction, God seems to be pulling the rug out of those areas. By rug, I mean that control is quickly slipping from our hands. Underdog's business is taking a different turn than we ever expected. It's a good direction but still a bit uncertain. There are challenges being put forth by the Spirit through the things we are studying in scripture, through the Reformation and certain reformers, and about parenting in general. Even my dreams of owning land and living in simplicity and self-sufficiency are being challenge (although living simply can be done just about anywhere.) Am I willing to give up my dream for something bigger and better that God would have planned or do I want to fight Him for what I want?

This leads to the final issue on my heart. Modesty!! What does it mean? Certainly there are issues around the clothing we wear and whether we are guarding our bodies. But modesty is more about the heart (as it is with everything than just clothing.) On a surface level I wrestle intensely with wearing pants. Are pants modest? Are they feminime? Personally, I would argue that my pants ARE modest. I wear more baggie pants designed for women. Most of them aren't tight and if they are, I get rid of them (I had a few left over that were a bit tight.) But did God want me wearing pants was always what I seemed to come back as I would put them on daily? The struggle was that I would determine it was alright and then come right around to it by questioning MY decision. Either I am being double-minded, as stated in James about those that doubt after seeking wisdom, OR I was simply not paying attention to the Spirit and He kept brining it up. That would mean that I walking in disobedience to His leading. As I was talking with Underdog about it yesterday I finally decided to own the problem. For me and me alone, to be wearing pants on a regular basis is not God's best for me. Let me re-iterate that. . .for ME to wear pants on a regular basis in not God's best for me. Why? Because my heart tends to be about pleasing man not God. I wear pants because I don't want people to think I am weird. But I truly LOVE wearing dresses and skirts. I love looking feminine in that way. I do notice families when they are dressed in this way and it says something to me. They may look weird to some. Not me. I love it. The only reason I won't to change is because I fear man's opinions of me. That is NOT modesty though. No wander it kept coming up. My heart motives were wrong. It means I am dressing for attention and acceptance from others rather than dressing to please the Lord. I have made modesty (or a lack there of) about me. It means I am seeking attention through my dress, regardless of whether it is modest or not.

I am seeking God so deeply right now. My quiet time is often absent these days. I am working to get rest in the midst of nursing a baby (still) at night and grow another one in my body. But that hasn't stop me from seeking Him throughout my day. I want to know more of Him. I want to be part of my mothering, part of my home. . .no, I want Him to be in all of my life. I want my knowledge of Him, given by the Spirit, to inform every aspect of my life and living. If that means I have to give up my dreams to have a baby when I wasn't ready or giving up dreams of living a certain way, or even giving up the approval I desire from certain family members, then that is what it means. He must become greater while I become less. More God, less me. Isn't that what life is all about?