On My Heart

I got to go to church today. It was the first time since the last weekend in September that I gothave been. We were quarantined with the whooping cough and then my bedrest started up. It was so nice to be out singing to the Lord and being in fellowship with friends this morning.

About midway through the singing portion of worship service a precious family came to sit in front of us. This family has one little boy. They've struggled with infertility and were so blessed with miracle baby, Samuel. I just love that little boy's sweet cheeks when he smiles. :) The mom is suffering through a miscarriage this weekend. I watched her more than I sang this morning. There were times that she just cried at different words of songs. There were times that she worked to engaged Samuel in the singing. You could see the pain on her husband face as the realities began to play out this morning. Mostly, I felt like a real jerk.

I can't remember just how much I have talked about how hard this pregnancy has been to accept. The truth of the matter is that I have been pouting. . .alot. I haven't really accepted this baby and if I were to be really honest, at times, I did not want him/her. Don't get me wrong, this fact bothers me alot. But the fact that it bothered me didn't seem to effect my heart enough to change my attitude. Something is seriously wrong.

I recently read a blog article off the True Woman blog about family planning. The author talked about how she had a plan for her family but quickly found that God had another plan. She eventually learning that God was in control of the womb and that she had to release that to him. Last week, this same blog included a sweet video of a "young" mom's epiphany over a True Woman conference weekend. To sum it up, she realized over the weekend that she resented the 7 children that God had given her despite the fact that she and her husband felt led to trust God with their family size.

God used these to speak to me and this week has been a tough one for me. I have had many times where I felt so overwhelmed with guilt from my bad attitude. There were other times when other sins regarding my family were being laid bare. I asked for God to lay my sin bare so that I could deal with them. Bring them into the light, I prayed on Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately, I realized this morning that these are deep seeded sins that are going to take some time to uproot.

Seeing this precious mom this morning crying over the loss of her baby was heartbreaking today. But it's left me asking WHY this morning? Why did God give me a health baby when I have so many children already and yet this precious mommy can't have her heart's desire? Why God? I didn't get an answer. What I got was a question back? Why am I am not loving this baby He's given me as if it were the ONLY one He's given me?

Selfish and self-centerednes would be the key words right now. I, too, have discovered that there is terrible resentment in my heart toward my children. My "ideal" family life didn't seem to happen. The further and further we got away from my ideal, the worse my heart got toward the situation. I have great kids but I was so blinded by my self-centeredness that I haven't been able to see this greatness. All I have seen is the sin in their hearts and not the evidence of God's grace working in them. And I have been so self-centered that I couldn't see this baby for what he/she really is. . . .a gift.

I have been working through this all week but seeing this mom again this morning opened the wound again. And so it should. I have been given a gift. I have never experienced a miscarriage. I think there was a time when I had a very early miscarriage. But this was so early on that it just seemed that I was getting a mystery positive on a test and then started my normal period. I conceived Pinky Poo a month later. I am closer to losing a baby with this one than I have ever been. But my stupidity hasn't allowed me to see the severity of it all the time.

My greatest prayer is that there will be true repentance as I work through this sin in my heart. I don't want it here anymore but for some reason I am comfortable with it. Why in the world do I want to hold onto this? I suppose the real issue is that this isn't just centered on the selfishness toward my family. If that were the case, then this would have all been over when I confessed this sin earlier in the week. This selfishness is centered around my heart. It is who I am. That doesn't change easily or overnight.